Election Not Over Yet, Yaaaayyyy!

Our grand election madness still continues, even though all the votes were cast last Tuesday. But fortunately, there is still a Senate race in Georgia because Sen. Saxby Chambliss didn’t get the 50% majority he needed to avoid a run-off in what appears to be a suspiciously European election system. We’ve got our eyes on you Georgia. Hopefully, this will lead to more election madness as leaders of both parties focus all their campaigning attention on this race, because hey, there’s nothing else going on. This could mean more Obama speeches, more McCain grimaces, and more of Palin’s moronic utterances. Cross your fingers America; we’re not done yet.

Politico – GA Senate Race

China’s Bailout Shows Us Up

China just announced that they are pushing a $586 billion bailout for their economy. The money will go towards infrastructure projects and social welfare. These crazy communists clearly don’t understand how the economy works. Ridiculously large sums of money cannot be spent on helping the people on the ground. It must be given to the large financial corporations who started the financial crisis in the first place. A government spending money to help normal people is just insane. When will the Chinese learn that the average citizen’s tax money must be used only to help the richest corporations when they fuck up and destroy the average citizen?

NY Times – China’s Bailout

Slavery OK, Welfare Not

There’s a right wing radio show called The War Room with Quinn & Rose, and it’s brilliant. Here’s a little piece that Jim Quinn decided to share with the world. He basically says that the difference between slavery and welfare, is that slaves had to work for their benefits.

“You know, if you were a slave in the old South, what did you get as a slave? You got free room and board, you got free money, and you got rewarded for having children because that was just, you know, tomorrow’s slave. … Can I ask a question? How’s that different from welfare? You get a free house, you get free food, and you get rewarded for having children. Oh, wait a minute, hold on a second. There is a difference: The slave had to work for it.”

Crooks & Liars – Crazy Racist Radio

Sarah Palin Hearts Ted Stevens Again

Now that Sarah Palin has been exiled back to Alaska, she has to try and regain the Alaskan’s love. Everyone there decided that she sucked after she turned all uber-stupid while running for vice president. But Palin know that there is one thing Alaskans adore – their old corrupt cranky politicians. And they loooove Ted Stevens, the oldest, corruptest, crankiest of politicians. Even after seven felony convictions they love Stevens. So Palin is no longer calling for Stevens’ resignation. It’s up to everyone else to figure that out. It turns out opinions were too much for her. What a maverick.

Politico – Palin and Stevens

Racist Jokester Busted

We here at The Elitist love jokes. Particularly funny ones. So you can imagine how much we laughed at this lady in Florida. On election night, as it became clear that Barack Obama would win, the owner of a Palm Beach restaurant wrote “KKK” all over signs and employee timesheets. She said she did it because it was a joke and she “got crazy with FOX News.” But where’s the punch-line. Haha! The best part is…and this is funny…the co-owner of the restaurant…haha…the co-owner is black. Hahaha! Nothing like a Fox News joke.

Florida Today via Wonkette – Racist Funny

Al Franken Still in the Game

Hanging Chad. Get it?

An election just wouldn’t feel right without a full-blown, lawyer fueled recount. And ex-SNL comedian Al Franken just might provide the entertainment we all so desperately seek. Franken ran against Sen. Norm Coleman in Minnesota, but Coleman only won by less than 800 votes. Now Coleman has failed in his attempt to block some absentee ballots from being counted, and this means a recount! All the court decision excitement, name-calling, and awesome images of guys looking at pieces of paper that you could hope for. Why is Franken pushing so hard? Because he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and doggone it, people like him.

CNN – Franken Recount

Joe Lieberman In Trouble

Mwah mwah mwah.

During this election, Sen. Joe Lieberman was John McCain’s BFF. But he gambled and lost, and now he has to pay his dues to the Democratic Party. What happens when a Democrat betrays his party? Excommunication? Public flogging? Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid had some harsh words – what Lieberman did was “improper.” Improper is Democrat code for “we’re not going to do anything.” At worst, Lieberman might (and I emphasize might) lose his chairmanship for the Homeland Security Committee. If this new Democratic majority does nothing else, perhaps the Democrats at least have a chance to stop rimming Joe Lieberman’s asshole.

CNN – Lieberman is Busted

Sarah Palin Says It’s Not Fair

Sad diva loser Sarah Palin says it’s not fair. Since the election, a lot of shit has come out about Palin’s complete ignorance of the world around her. Like how she didn’t know Africa was a continent, and she didn’t know what countries constituted North America. Well, now the Palin team (how does she still have a team?) is fighting back. Her spokeswoman has been on the TV calling the reports false and laughable. Palin herself called the aides who leaked the story “jerks,” “cowards,” and “bitter.” She has an eloquent answer for everything. Of course, the only reason she’s even fighting back is so that she has a future political career. The only thing that could kill that, is her, and her ignorance. We’re still recovering from the last eight years of stupidity. Americans won’t fall for that again…for a few months at least.

CNN – Palin Fights Back

Getting to Know Rahm

As you’ve heard, Rahm Emanuel has been named Barack Obama’s chief of staff. But few outside Washington know who he is, and then they only know the man on the hill. There is more to Rahm Emanuel than meets the eye, and we at The Elitist have some exclusive facts:

• On the hill, he is sometimes referred to as “Rambo.” But his friends back home know him as “Sparkles.”
• He was a Clinton advisor. Bill’s, not Hillary. It’s still unclear how much advising he did for Bill’s personal life.
• He can lift three times his body weight.
• He curses. A lot. He’s got a mouth that would make a pirate cry.
• He is a classically trained dancer.
• He once sent a dead fish to a pollster who pissed him off. Now that he’s in the White House, watch out for horse heads.
• His middle name is Israel, which may cause friction with Obama’s middle name, Hussein.
• He used to have a seat on the Freddie Mac board where, according to Republicans, he personally caused the economic crisis.

So there you have it. Emanuel has accepted the most important job in the White House, next to the President. The more you know!

Wash Post – Rahm Emanuel Facts

NY Times – Old Emanuel Story

Widipedia – Rahm Emanuel

Update: Would Be Assassins Plead Not Guilty

You know what Americans hate? Someone who tries to kill their new president. We’re really pesky about that. A while back, some white supremacists were caught making a plan to assassinate Barack Obama. It was a surprisingly underreported story. Anyway, they were going to wear white tuxes, steal some guns, kill a lot of black school kids, and then shoot Obama. Foolproof, right? Somehow these geniuses got caught and now they’re in court. Yesterday, they pled not guilty. This is good news, as now we can watch the hilarious trial and hopefully a live execution. Stay classy!

Wash Post – Racists Plead Not Guilty