Ashley Todd Off to Asylum

Remember Ashley Todd, the campaign worker who said she was beaten and cut up by a large scary black man, and this was somehow Obama’s fault? And remember how John McCain tried to make her the new Joe the Plumber, before the whole thing turned out to be a lie and McCain’s campaign was utterly destroyed? Well, now she’s off to get some mental health treatment, presumably for being a Ron Paul supporter. When she’s done, then her criminal record will be expunged. Unfortunately, the media record will follow her forever, even when she decides to run for Congress.

MSNBC – Todd Sentenced

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Sarah Palin’s Alaska a Communist Paradise

Sarah Palin's Gubernatorial Campaign Poster

John McCain and Sarah Palin have been harshly attacking Barack Obama for being a socialist. The attacks gained steam after their puppet, Joe the Plumber, caught Obama saying it was ok to “spread the wealth.”  But, in reality, it is Sarah Palin who is the true Soviet. A few weeks before her doomed nomination as VP, she told a reporter for the New Yorker that Alaska is

“Set up, unlike other states in the union, where it’s collectively Alaskans own the resources. So we share in the wealth when the development of these resources occurs.”

Alaskans actually get a check every year for $3,269 from the government. “Share the wealth.” “Collectively.” It all sounds suspiciously socialist. Perhaps we need a new McCarthy to weed out the Red Menace. The Elitist would like to nominate present day Sarah Palin, a known Commie-hater, to investigate Sarah Palin from three months ago. We’ll get to the bottom of this.

The New Yorker – Palin a Communist

Obama’s Associations Still Target

Rashid Khalidi: What a sinister looking monster.

It has gotten to the point where Barack Obama is not being judged by his associations, so much as his associations are being judged by being associated with Obama. The new target is Middle East scholar Rashid Khalidi, who is not 100% in the tank for Israel. This means that Obama clearly wants to personally kill all Jews. Sarah Palin has already called Mr. Khalidi a neo-Nazi and has claimed that the LA Times is hiding something by not releasing a tape of Obama and Khalidi in the same room together. The tape could possibly reveal them high-fiving William Ayers and Mussolini before circle jerking on a Jewish guy while dropping a steamer on a map of Israel! We can’t know that it doesn’t.

Wash Post – Another Guy Obama Once Knew

President Bush Still Around, Destroying World

Hey, remember that guy…what’s his name?…leader of the free world or something? Oh yeah, George Bush! Well, he’s still in charge around here even if we all forgot about him. But it’s the end of his reign of terror and he has to pull some obligatory last-minute pardons and laws etc. He figured that his legacy has been torn to shit, so why not give out some gifts to his business buddies. As a parting shot and final golden shower on America, he is pushing through deregulations of things that normally protect consumers and the environment, because hey, fuck them. One of the deregulations would actually make our drinking water less safe. Who’s actually for less safe drinking water? The best part is, they will be difficult to overturn when Bolshevik Obama takes over the USA in a bloody Communist coup.

Wash Post – Bush Still Able to Destroy America

Christians Worship Golden Calf

Our Greatest Depression has made people do some strange things. A couple of days ago, a group of religious nuts gathered around the famous Merrill Lynch bronze bull on Wall Street to pray for the economy. They asked God to take control of His economy. Oddly, genetic engineering companies shot up on the prayers.

Here are some other religious crazies praying for the economy, just before God smote them.

And thus began Armageddon.

Wonkette – Irony

NY Times Hearts Pirates

Ever since Somali pirates boarded a Ukranian ship full of weapons, the New York Times has had an insatiable pirate fetish. Today, they wrote a fun description of the pirate high-life, where pirates roam the streets throwing money around and living large. They also describe how all Somalis want to be pirates these days. After this story, all humans want to be pirates. The Elitist is sad to announce that this fine news source will soon shut down so that all the writers can become pirates.

Still no word, though, on how the pirates will ever beat the ninjas.

NY Times – Pirates!

Ohio Votes By Poop

Ever wonder how the idiot mouth-breathers known as “undecided voters” finally make a decision? Ohio, the state best known for its idiots, has finally shown how they make a decision, and it’s really as good as any other. They have cats shit in a box labeled with a candidate.

It’s too soon to tell whether these turds are pro or anti-American. Polls show that McCain-Palin will probably win, as it seems it is constantly raining shit on their campaign.

Mix 97.1 – Kitty Caucus

AIG Loses Money, Greatest Oxymoron Ever

“You don’t just suddenly lose $120 billion overnight.”

This according to some financial analyst who clearly doesn’t understand the new Greatest Depression, because it seems that AIG has done exactly that. After receiving $123 billion from two government bailouts, AIG seems to have blown it all. Presumably on hookers and booze. AIG has quickly become the greatest oxymoron ever. First, AIG stands for the American International Group. Second, it is an insurance company forced to rely on government insurance. Finally, according to statements in September, they are perfectly solvent, making them a solvent bankrupt company. Interestingly, it also serves as an onomatopoeia, because all their shareholders see the stock at just over $1, and say, “Aaaaiiiigggg!”

Wow, that was an awful joke.

CNBC – AIG Spent All Our Money

Joe a No Show

Joe the Plumber is making all the headlines these days, even more than John McCain it seems. Yesterday he made the claim that Barack Obama will personally destroy Israel with his bare hands. Which makes sense. He then told Fox News viewers that they should figure out for themselves why he would make such a moronic statement.

Today he was supposed to appear at a McCain rally to discuss Obama’s hatred of America and plumbers. McCain introduced him, and then there was an akward pause. Joe the Plumber didn’t show up. Joe claims that it was the campaign’s fault for not calling enough times or something. Is the McCain campaign trying to fuck up now? Is McCain’s “underdog” status so important that they are actually self-sabotaging? The world may never know, but here’s the video of an old man who looks like he doesn’t know what’s going on:

We’re all Joe the Plumbers. That is to say, we’re all bald weirdos using a bizarre 15 minutes of fame to try and make a shallow political career.

Dallas News – Obama Will Kill Israel

CNN – Joe a No Show

Ted Stevens’ Candidacy to Nowhere

Corrupt, angry old man Ted Stevens is continuing his campaign for the U.S. Senate despite his seven felony convictions. He returned to Alaska among cheers from supporters who obviously love America and the dirty politicians who support it. Sen. Mitch McConnell said that there is a 100% certainty that the Senate would vote to expel Stevens were he reelected, which truly makes his a campaign to nowhere. What is with Alaskan politicians running for offices they can’t possibly win? Even Sarah Palin has called for Stevens to resign, and she is also being accused of corruption. The real question is, how is this Barack Obama’s fault?

NY Times – Stevens a Hero