China’s Bailout Shows Us Up

China just announced that they are pushing a $586 billion bailout for their economy. The money will go towards infrastructure projects and social welfare. These crazy communists clearly don’t understand how the economy works. Ridiculously large sums of money cannot be spent on helping the people on the ground. It must be given to the large financial corporations who started the financial crisis in the first place. A government spending money to help normal people is just insane. When will the Chinese learn that the average citizen’s tax money must be used only to help the richest corporations when they fuck up and destroy the average citizen?

NY Times – China’s Bailout

More Lost Jobs = More Bloggers

Whoo! The jobs report is finally out. We’ve been waiting for this with excitement. And the verdict is…oh shit! America lost 240,000 jobs just last month, which is more than expected. Clearly, it’s about time to start lowering expectations. The good news: a lot more blogs written by the unemployed. And a lot more people to read them, because hey, what the hell else are they going to do.

NY Times – No More Jobs

Brave New World for Twinkies

The new Greatest Depression is causing cutbacks for everyone, including Twinkies. The super-food has been forced to cut back its calories so that East Coast liberals can eat them too. This is just another opportunity to show rehash some old false advertising.

CNN – Twinkies Slimmed

Christians Worship Golden Calf

Our Greatest Depression has made people do some strange things. A couple of days ago, a group of religious nuts gathered around the famous Merrill Lynch bronze bull on Wall Street to pray for the economy. They asked God to take control of His economy. Oddly, genetic engineering companies shot up on the prayers.

Here are some other religious crazies praying for the economy, just before God smote them.

And thus began Armageddon.

Wonkette – Irony

AIG Loses Money, Greatest Oxymoron Ever

“You don’t just suddenly lose $120 billion overnight.”

This according to some financial analyst who clearly doesn’t understand the new Greatest Depression, because it seems that AIG has done exactly that. After receiving $123 billion from two government bailouts, AIG seems to have blown it all. Presumably on hookers and booze. AIG has quickly become the greatest oxymoron ever. First, AIG stands for the American International Group. Second, it is an insurance company forced to rely on government insurance. Finally, according to statements in September, they are perfectly solvent, making them a solvent bankrupt company. Interestingly, it also serves as an onomatopoeia, because all their shareholders see the stock at just over $1, and say, “Aaaaiiiigggg!”

Wow, that was an awful joke.

CNBC – AIG Spent All Our Money

Greatest Depression Over – For Big Oil

It turns out this new depression hasn’t been all that bad, particularly if you’re already a massive mega-corporation that feeds off the misery of the little people. For the third quarter, that is during the complete collapse of the American economy, Exxon announced net income of $14.8 billion. And hey, Royal Dutch Shell also announced third quarter profits of $8.5 billion. Looks like we’re going to make it after all. And just imagine what could be achieved if John McCain’s $4 billion tax cuts to oil companies goes through.

Wash Post – Exxon’s Profits

Seniors Selling Their Burial Plots

You think the housing market is bad? Wait until you see the cemetery market. It seems that the Greatest Depression is hurting the Greatest Generation. So much so that people are selling their burial plots just for some extra cash. This increased selling is leading to lower prices and a collapse in the burial plot market. Normally, the market is strong, as people are just dying to get in. Ha.

Sorry.

Instead, the old are going for cremation, which is cheaper and leaves less of a mess. Other popular methods include leaving bodies in dumpsters, taxidermy, and keeping people alive with universal healthcare. So far, they haven’t really caught on.

Forbes – The Sinking Cemeteries

OPEC Cuts Production

OPEC met and decided to cut production by 1.5 million barrels per day. But it seems it’s already too late as the price dropped to $63 right after their announcement. These poor, suffering dictatorships will have to find some other way to make ends meet. This may mean smaller palaces, less weapons, or, God forbid, more rights for their citizens. How many more people must suffer during this Greatest Depression?

NY Times – OPEC Suffers

Ghost of McCain’s Past Haunting McCain

It seems that the more John McCain tries to avoid his past role in the Keating 5 scandal, the more it follows him. First he praised Joe the Plumber for sticking up to that monster Barack Obama. But it turns out Joe is actually related to some of those Keating folks. Now McCain is trying to raise money to combat Obama’s quadrillion dollar fund raising. But it seems that McCain is back in the Keating hole. According to finance records, Charles Keatings old firm (old because Keating went to jail for fraud) has donated more than $50,000 to McCain’s campaign. Last time McCain received contributions from Keating, he ended up intervening to prevent regulations that cost the tax payers $3.4 billion. Of course, today, during the Greatest Depression, $3.4 billion really isn’t that much, is it?

Time Online – Keating’s Firm Donates to McCain

Anthrax Scare Hilarious

America loves a good practical joke. And there’s nothing funnier than the classic anthrax scare. It’s simple: write threatening letters to bankers, fill them with white powder, and mail them out to Chase bank branches throughout the country. Hahahahaha! I bet the potential victims are cracking up, after they’re done shitting their pants. And the suspects are from Amarillo, Texas. Them’s real Americans in a very pro-American state. That’s how you know it’s funny.

Wash Post – Anthrax Scare