The cable news network’s election technology has been getting increasingly weird and worthless. First it was the electronic maps that were displayed more to show off the technology than to give any useful information. But last night showed what was by far the strangest thing of all. Wolf Blitzer had a conversation with a hologram of Jessica Yellin. That’s right, a hologram. What would possess CNN to waste money on something like this? According to Blitzer, he likes the idea that they can have a conversation without any of that annoying background. In other words, CNN is sending its correspondents into the field, but they’ve cleverly devised a way to act as if they aren’t in the field. Other news stations are working on similar, though less expensive methods – they simply don’t send anyone into the field.
November 5, 2008
November 4, 2008
Study Shows Conservatives Have Sense of Humor
HAHAHAHAHA.
A study in Boston found that conservatives have a better sense of humor than liberals. When given jokes, conservatives tended to think they were funnier than liberals did. One explanation is that conservatives are more cheerful than liberals. This makes sense. Any liberal will tell you that the last eight years have left many less than cheerful. Nonetheless, the questions remains, where are all the great conservative comedians? Think about it, there aren’t many. Dennis Miller, Drew Carey, Pat Buchanan…and this list required a Google search. They clearly have more to laugh about (like the plight of the poor), but liberals are definitely funnier. Like this one from David Letterman: “She kept reaching out to Joe Sixpack. That’s because her answers make more sense after six beers.” Get it? Oh man, my sides.
NY Times – Funny Conservatives
November 3, 2008
End Times Just Like Dow
Everyone is waiting for the end of days, but how do we measure such a thing? Well, Rapture Ready has created an index to determine how close we are. The best way to predict the second coming of Christ (as if Barack Obama isn’t already here) is to crunch numbers, as any good theologian will explain. Is Obama the anti-Christ? Well, it’s too soon to tell and many good Christians are torn on the subject. After all, Tony Blair and Bill Clinton were also good candidates. Thanks to the Salt Lake Tribune for bringing this fascinating political discussion to us.
Rapture Ready Index via Salt Lake Tribune – End of Days
October 31, 2008
NY Times Hearts Pirates
Ever since Somali pirates boarded a Ukranian ship full of weapons, the New York Times has had an insatiable pirate fetish. Today, they wrote a fun description of the pirate high-life, where pirates roam the streets throwing money around and living large. They also describe how all Somalis want to be pirates these days. After this story, all humans want to be pirates. The Elitist is sad to announce that this fine news source will soon shut down so that all the writers can become pirates.
Still no word, though, on how the pirates will ever beat the ninjas.
NY Times – Pirates!
October 29, 2008
Godless Democrat Called Out
God hates the Democrats, but when there is any suggestion that the reverse is true, all hell breaks loose (no pun intended). The North Carolina Senate race has really heated up and now Sen. Elizabeth Dole has released an ad suggesting that her opponent, Kay Hagan, is “Godless.” The whole thing stems from some fundraiser in which 40 PACs attended, and one of them was an atheists rights group. Hagan countered by pointing that out and the fact that John Kerry was also there, though that surely doesn’t help her case at all. After all, John Kerry has the most liberal voting record in the world, except for Al Gore, Barack Obama, and Hillary Clinton, who also do. The new ad claims that Hagan took “Godless money.” Specifically, money without the words, “In God We Trust,” which isn’t even legal tender so what’s the problem?
CNN – Godless!
Elizabeth Edwards is Back
Elizabeth Edwards, wife of former Presidential candidate and elitist man-whore John Edwards, has come out of the shadows and is in the spotlight. This is her first appearance since John admitted to cheating on her, and the shame he brought by being caught by The National Enquirer. Her new issue is healthcare and how she wants it to be socialized, communized, and governmentized. Of course, she is not a communist or a Muslim, because that would be sexist. Welcome back Elizabeth. It should be fun.
Wash Post – She’s Back
October 27, 2008
GOP Love Boat
Love Republicans but hate sex? Then surprise your sweetie with a GOP Cruise this Valentine’s Day. The Young America’s Foundation is offering a cruise with guests like John Ashcroft, Tom Tancredo, and Ed Meese. Nothing says romance like hanging out with guys who fear nudity, hate sex, and have about as much personality as the Spanish Inquisition. If you’re really lucky, you may even hear Ashcroft do his timeless piece, “Let the Eagle Sore.” It feels good to laugh again.
Huff Po – Sexy Sexy Sexy
October 24, 2008
Rights for Farm Animals
The radical cow agenda is at it again. California’s Proposition 2 would give farm animals rights, and this can’t be allowed. Right now they are locked in cages, and forced to work for us without any rights. If we give them an inch, they will take a mile and more. Soon they will want to the vote, then equal pay, and the right to get married. Before we know it, they will be running for the White House…and winning! Rights are a dangerous thing and we must be diligent. If only we had a party willing to suppress rights…
NY Times – Animal Rights
October 22, 2008
Set Them Hookers Free
It’s about to become a brave new world, one in which prostitution isn’t hidden away in the dark alleys, but where hookers and non-hookers alike can cohabitate in peace. It’s all starting in San Francisco, that capital of all things liberal and evil. On the ballot this November will be Proposition K, which will allow hookers to proposition K (in this case, K = sex for money. Sorry for the math). One hope is that it will allow prostitutes to organize into unions of sorts. We’re just excited to see a bunch of hookers organizing in what will inevitably turn into one of the nation’s largest pillow fights.
CBS 13 via Fark – Legalize Prostitution
October 15, 2008
Ringo Starr is Tired
Douche Bag
Sometimes a human interest story comes along that is so touching it cannot be ignored. The former-Beatle, Ringo Starr, has announced that he will no longer be accepting or signing fan mail because he is just too busy. This pitiful mental decline is just one more strike against the once great rock band. First, John Lennon died, then George Harrison. Now Ringo Starr has become delusional. As if anyone would write him fan mail. Have you heard the album Revolver? It’s brilliant, except for that one gassy fart in the middle called ‘Yellow Submarine’. It’s as if they other guys were like, “Sure, Ringo, we’ll let you have one song in our album. We’ll just bury it in the middle.”
And he’s too busy? This no-talent douche bag couldn’t write a song to save his life. Any touring he does is a half-assed attempt to stretch out his glory as a Beatle. He must be doing something we don’t know about, like buying distressed mortgages or feeding children or voting for Obama. We know he’s not reading mail, or he would know that those letters are for credit cards or America Online discs. They are not fan mail.
The Elitist 