The Elitist

November 3, 2008

End Times Just Like Dow

Filed under: Barack Obama, God, Random, Utah — The Elitist @ 2:41 pm

Everyone is waiting for the end of days, but how do we measure such a thing? Well, Rapture Ready has created an index to determine how close we are. The best way to predict the second coming of Christ (as if Barack Obama isn’t already here) is to crunch numbers, as any good theologian will explain. Is Obama the anti-Christ? Well, it’s too soon to tell and many good Christians are torn on the subject. After all, Tony Blair and Bill Clinton were also good candidates. Thanks to the Salt Lake Tribune for bringing this fascinating political discussion to us.

Rapture Ready Index via Salt Lake TribuneEnd of Days


October 31, 2008

Christians Worship Golden Calf

Filed under: Financial Crisis, God — The Elitist @ 11:08 am

Our Greatest Depression has made people do some strange things. A couple of days ago, a group of religious nuts gathered around the famous Merrill Lynch bronze bull on Wall Street to pray for the economy. They asked God to take control of His economy. Oddly, genetic engineering companies shot up on the prayers.

Here are some other religious crazies praying for the economy, just before God smote them.

And thus began Armageddon.

Wonkette – Irony

October 23, 2008

God in the Tank for Obama

Filed under: God, Presidential Election 2008, Sarah Palin — The Elitist @ 3:29 pm

During an interview with evangelical leader James Dobson, Sarah Palin said that this election will rest in God’s hands. When asked about the polls showing Obama’s lead, Palin said, “It also strengthens my faith, because I’m going to know, at the end of the day, putting this in God’s hands, that the right thing for America will be done at the end of the day on Nov. 4. So I’m not discouraged at all.”

Yet the polls are significantly in favor of Obama. This means that either God doesn’t really care about our elections (yeah right!) or that he is already in the tank for Obama. Is God anti-American? And why does He hate our troops?

AP – Election Up to God

October 1, 2008

Big Day for Religious Visions

Filed under: God, Random — The Elitist @ 10:36 am
Mmmm. $30k for moldy bread. Mary must love grilled cheese.

Mmmm. $30k for moldy bread. Mary must love grilled cheese.

It’s sometimes comforting to recognize that no matter what our religion, deep down, we are all bat shit crazy. In Springfield, Massachusetts crowds gathered to look at a smear that barely had what could best be described as a poor silhouette of a human. Clearly, this was the Virgin Mary.

In Sweden, a Muslim woman claims she found the words, “Allah” and “Muhammad” written in a rotten mango. Sure enough, local Muslims are flocking to the scene to see if for themselves.

And The Elitist is excited to announce that we have definitely found the image of Pat Robertson in a dingle-berry.

CNN – Virgin Mary Sighting

The Local – Muhammad in a Mango

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